Afterlife: Part 2

Just four months, almost to the day, after my last post on an afterlife, I myself had a near death experience.

On Sunday night, I put myself in a situation that endangered my life. I really don’t want to go into detail about it, as it’s still very traumatizing to think about. I left my apartment at almost 2 in the morning, and my mother had still been awake and saw me walk out.  About 15 minutes after I arrived at my destination, she called me. I told her I was fine and hung up.

10 minutes later, I was dying.

My heart rate had increased to a destructive level. I couldn’t breathe because my airways had closed up, which led to me choking and vomiting. The room I was in was spinning around so fast, I thought I could see the wall behind me.

I thought that if I just powered through it all, I’d be alright soon. Things just seemed to get worse and worse though. My blood pressure was so high that my extremities swelled up, and my skin all over my body was red. I remember grasping tightly to my friend’s arms, trying to keep hold of my vision and consciousness. But I began to slip.

When it changed from being hard to breathe to literally getting no air, I could feel myself fading away. It was the scariest thing I’d ever experienced. My whole essence was surrounded by nothingness. When I say that, I don’t mean everything went black. This was a different sensation than passing out, which has happened to me before. It felt like everything ended. And I do mean everything.

It’s possible that remembering ‘nothing’ is indicative of still being cognitive, but I can’t explain it any other way. There was nothing. No sound, no vision, I couldn’t feel anything. I know my friend never took his hands off of me, but I didn’t feel anything at all. I don’t know how long I was out, but it felt like an eternity.

Here’s why I’m writing this. In that moment, the moment I was sure I was dying, that my life as I knew it was over, I panicked. I’ve believed in an afterlife all my life, even in the moments I wished there was nothing. And there I was, on the verge of passing over, and well… there was nothing. No visions of Heaven or Hell, no white light, nobody greeting me at some gates, friendly or not. There was just nothing.

I always thought if I knew for sure that there was nothing after you die, it would comfort me. I felt no comfort in that moment. I was frightened beyond belief. I don’t know how I regained my consciousness, but I did, somehow.

It’s possible I should have had an ambulance called, but even in the midst of my incoherent thinking, all I could ask my friend was, ‘what will they do for me that you aren’t already doing, besides charge me money that I don’t have?’

I wondered who would tell my best friend that I’d died? What would my mother think, considering I’d told her I’d be fine. I started panicking again. I told my friend that I always knew this was going to happen, that I was going to die young, but that I didn’t want to go out like this.

After 3 hours of being washed down with ice and cold water, and having fans blow on me, I finally was alright. I spent another couple of hours sleeping, then went home and slept some more. One thing kept weighing on my mind, though: There is no afterlife.

Hearing stories all my life of people who died, or nearly died, and had seen visions of Heaven or Hell, I think I was expecting that. Even though I realized long ago that had more to do with the lack of oxygen to the brain, and no real proof of an afterlife, I still expected to see something. But I didn’t. Not a damn thing. Absolute nothing. It was just as the universe had been before it exploded into existence. We come from nothing and that’s what we go back to.

I’m not happy I had to have that experience in order to come to this realization, and I also am not happy that this is the realization I’ve come to. I’m still not comforted. I suppose death isn’t meant to be a comfort after all.

Afterlife

I keep hearing the idea that people tend to believe in an afterlife because it comforts them to think that somehow, someway, their existence will continue even after they’re gone, or that they might see their long lost loved ones again. Even the idea that people get punished for their evil deeds past this life.

I can’t wrap my head around that. I wake up everyday with the thought in the back of my head that if I don’t live my life in a certain way, I might burn for all eternity.

Do you know how long an eternity is? I’m not talking about just knowing what the definition is. Yeah, it’s forever. We get it. But… It’s forever. No one has ever experienced forever. No matter how long something feels to you, or even how long it IS, it ends. Eventually.

Burning. Forever.

In my head, I’m thinking wouldn’t I eventually get used to it? Then I remember I’ve lived in South Texas my entire life, and I can’t even get used to 110° weather in the summer time.  What that is is me trying to rationalize the thought of eternal punishment.

I’m frightened of it. How is an afterlife a comfort?

I wish I could be an atheist. I feel so irrational everyday just because it’s impossible for me, personally, to shake the idea of a higher power and an afterlife, even if my surface idea of what that means may change. Deep down? I’m still afraid of the fiery lake.

No one is perfect, not even the people who we are continuously led to believe are “holy” and have a sure foot in Heaven. What’s most important, to me, is to lead an honest life, and don’t hurt others. What could be simpler than that? That’s not saying you have to be celibate, or you can’t eat certain foods, or anything specific at all. If everyone just did those two things, how much better would this world be? And if you lead that kind of life, how is it fair that your fate is to spend an eternity suffering?

Rationally… Atheism makes sense. Of course it does. There’s science to back up the creation of the universe, and science is researched fact. But what about the phenomena and anomalies that can’t be explained by science? Are we going to just sit here and say “Well, one day there will be an explanation.”

I wish I could be an atheist. Then I wouldn’t be concerned that no matter how good I am, it’s not enough. I used to want to die, so my life would end. I did not want an afterlife, or even consider it, in my moments of suicidal thoughts. I wanted everything as I knew it to just stop. I didn’t want an escape. I wanted an end. How can we ever truly “rest in peace” if there’s a sequel?

if i were pretty.

written May 11,  2007

if i were pretty
i’d be thin and curvy in all the right places.
i’d have a soft but flat tummy, never rock hard, but never comparable to gelatin.
i’d have smooth hairless arms, and glowing skin, with slight imperfections, but nothing overtly grotesque, so that i would seem approachable.

if i were pretty
my hair would be just past my shoulders, and almost straight.
the color would either be a shiny black or a healthy medium brown with natural reddish highlights that shone in the sun.  even when my hair was a mess, i would still look stunning to the random passerby.

if i were pretty
my nose would be the slightest bit narrower, my lips the slightest bit bigger, my cheekbones just a tad more pronounced, and my face would be as smooth as the day i was born.
i’d have no more than a few freckles across my cheeks, but enough to give me that extra added adornment.
my lips would always be the slightest bit red, so that i wouldn’t have to wear lipstick if i so desired.

if i were pretty
i would most likely loathe myself and my gorgeous features and everything that made me who i was.
i would absolutely look at someone who looks like i really do now, and write a self loathing piece of art, describing that as what i wish i looked like.

if i were pretty
i would look at myself in the mirror and wish i was someone else.

Ready To Bleed: Hamburgers

When was it decided that the human being needed so many tastes in their mouth all at once? Yes, of course, the Hamburger is amazingly delicious but order one with everything, and some extras. How many flavors are all going on at once?

-Bread
-Beef
-Lettuce
-Tomatoes
-Onions
-Pickles
-Mustard
-Mayonnaise
-Ketchup
-Cheese
-Bacon
-Jalapeños
-Barbecue Sauce

That’s 13 flavors all going on at once, and I’m sure there are even some condiments that I am forgetting. What’s the reason? Are we as a society so overtly bored that we need to do this sense overload to ourselves? Is it greed or gluttony that makes us want to keep on piling on the extras onto something that is already a finished product? I’m curious what makes us do this to ourselves. Its completely unnecessary, yet its become such a way of life, that a loaded hamburger seems completely natural and normal to us. Take a step back before you order that burger and ask yourself, “Why?”

Why?

Ready To Bleed: Intro

A while ago, I was experimenting with ideas and thoughts, much like now, but to a very dark degree. I had been listening to NIN’s album Year Zero, and heavily involved with the alternate reality game (ARG) that went along with the promotion of the release of the album.  The ARG actually went on for months, prior to  the album’s release, and even a little bit afterward, and was very intense, and therefore managed to seep into my brain, hence the birth of Ready To Bleed. There was only a few sections that I wrote for this blog, and I’m transferring them over here, to consolidate my work.  Don’t let my words surprise or shock you.  It’s only thoughts and ideas. :)

Random find.

I was cleaning up my archived and starred Gmail this afternoon, and I came across this little piece I wrote back in April of 2008.  I can’t remember for the life of me who I wrote it about, or what inspired it, but I still like it, even if it is a tad bit cheesy.  So, enjoy this untitled piece with no backstory. :)

 

these last 15 minutes are always hell to get through.
i spend my time waiting, oh waiting to get on home to you.
i got visions in my head of us travelin’ the world.
oh these 15 minutes are delaying you from seeing your girl.

these last 15 minutes are always hell to get through.
waiting around takes its toll on my mind.
all i want baby is to be closer to you.
and let you softly whisper “you’re mine”.

oh baby we’ll be together soon, if i can only get through these last 15 minutes.
oh these last 15 minutes, they are killing me, keeping me away from my baby,
oh darling, i’ll be with you for all time, if i can only get through these last 15 minutes.

oh baby, its hell waiting just to be near you.  i’m coming home soon.

Cigarettes & Coffee

Inspired by too many listenings of Cigarettes & Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright and Many Happy Regrets by The Pearls, this was written about a year and a half ago, when I was at a bit of a loss regarding my habits, and the reasons for them.  This offers no answers, simply allows the reader to get a glimpse of a person with an overlooked addiction and a bit of a wandering mind.

—
Cigarettes & Coffee

Sitting in her enclosed cubicle, the young woman pondered about the coffee that poured from the pink cup into her mouth and down her throat. She had considered just how similar coffee was to cigarettes, and how there were only two major differences: coffee was liquid and it didn’t give you cancer. As she took a sip from her cigarette, she thought about how coffee and cigarettes induced the same feeling in her when ingested. Calmer, yet more prone to snapping if tested. Sometimes a little light headed, if she hadn’t had them in a while. She admitted freely to using both substances to distract from whatever it was she was doing. She knew that the day would be half over when her cup of coffee was dry, just as she knew that it took her two cigarettes to get home, and she could time the lighting of her second cigarette so perfectly, so that the ashes nearly burnt her finger by the time she arrived home. She couldn’t concentrate on time. 25 minutes and/or 10 songs was too long. 2 cigarettes however, was a much easier measure of time to deal with.

As she took another drag from her cup of coffee, she sighed, her chest heaving in exasperation. If she was being honest, she was tired of coffee and cigarettes. But it had become habit at this point, and habits take 21 days to break. She didn’t want to think about how many cups of coffee and cigarettes amounted to 21 days. She packed and lit up her coffee, poured way too much creamer and sugar into her cigarette, and continued her day, sipping and inhaling, simply to pass the time.

Can I Close My Eyes?

This is a piece I wrote back in June of 2008. I had fallen for someone I just met, and I fell hard. The biggest problem of the situation was that even from the beginning, I knew it was a bad idea. But I was in love. I went for months carrying a heaviness in my heart before the universe aligned and allowed us to be together. It wasn’t long before what I knew to be true all along manifested itself, and my heart got broken.

It’s odd, looking back at this. It was written five whole months before our relationship began, and I knew even then it was doomed. Sometimes though, I wonder if I really knew this inherently, or if my months of worrying and stressing about it were what ultimately ended things.

 

can I close my eyes?
Date: 6/9/2008

can I close my eyes?
I don’t want to think anymore
close off the world outside
close off my body’s core

it pains me walking
with this light in my eye
the light brightens all
but it makes me want to cry

give me a blindfold
I no longer want to see
I no longer want to smile
thinking what you mean to me

being happy is painful
not knowing what might be coming
don’t want to stay optimistic
I think I’m imagining something

I’m optimistic to a fault
its all because of you
I’m more than willing to let you break my heart
if that’s what you aim to do

Love In The Wind

In my teens, I began to write poetry and songs to try to free my emotions in a constructive way.  Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.  Sometimes the results were laughable, others heart wrenching.  I have decided to share my work with you all.  Up until now, most of it has been compiled in a notebook, not really ever seen by anyone unless the notebook was brought out to them while visiting me at one point or another.  Now, it’s going on the internet, to be lost in cyber space forever.
 
This piece, “Love In The Wind” was actually my very first attempt at writing.  I was in 9th grade in 1997, and head over heels in love.  Ah, love at the age of thirteen, what a joke.  I let go of what I had, for a stupid reason, and regretted it almost immediately.  I held on to that love for far longer than I should have, but that’s a story for another time.  For now, enjoy my very first written piece.
 

Love In The Wind
 
Sometimes we all feel like our love has passed us by
And if the one person for us doesn’t come, we will surely die
But when we finally find the one we know we truly love
And we know that we will love no one else, they leave us
Lonely and hungry for their true and endless love
Although we know it shall never come true.
Love is just like dust, when we find it on a windy day
It flies away where we can never find it again and it takes
The one thing true to us, the one thing we trust: our heart
We shall never meet again, Love. You have stolen my
Heart, my trust, and my mind. I have gone crazy without you
I only wish you weren’t so precious to me. Then I could
Let you go more easily than falling in love was. Please say you love
Me too. It shall never happen. Love is blind. He does not
See how much I need you in my life
To my one and only true love.

the reason for the tree of knowledge

THE SECOND BOOK OF NEPHI

CHAPTER 2

19 And after Adam and Eve had ^apartaken of the forbidden fruit they were driven out of the garden of ^bEden, to till the earth.

20 And they have brought forth children; yea, even the ^afamily of all the earth.

21 And the days of the children of ^amen were prolonged, according to the ^bwill of God, that they might ^crepent while in the flesh; wherefore, their state became a state of ^dprobation, and their time was lengthened, according to the commandments which the Lord God gave unto the children of men. For he gave commandment that all men must repent; for he showed unto all men that they were ^elost, because of the transgression of their parents.

22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

23 And they would have had no ^achildren; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no ^bjoy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no ^csin.

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who ^aknoweth all things.

25 ^aAdam ^bfell that men might be; and men ^care, that they might have ^djoy.